Away we go!

So today I start Optifast doesn't it sound fan-taste-ic?  I can just tell it will be the most delicious chalk drink EVER!  I "get" to enjoy 4 liver shrinking drinks per day for the next 12 days!  OMG I almost peed a little there from all the excitement. 

When I got home from the pharmacy and actually looked at the optifast and how boring the packaging is and how it really does look like a prescription it was then that I wondered can I do this?  Maybe, just maybe they put all the money into the flavor and that's why the packaging looks like crap.  That could happen right?

 I'm super nervous about all of this because starting the opitfast means I REALLY doing this, that I am that one last step closer to surgery.  I really want to be successful, I am doing this for so many reasons I can't even count. 

I've been looking at before and after pictures of gastric bypass patients, and the more I do, the more I am worried that my va-jay-jay is going to hang down to my knees.  I think I have a regular amount of curiosity about the subject, not in a creepy way, a normal REGULAR way I promise. 

Wish me luck, 'cause I'm gonna need it!

Dude, where's my car?

Why is it when you are "the Mommy" that you automatically are supposed to know where ALL of the things are.  I don't play the DS, how the crap do I know where it is, nor do I know where you put the games.  And kudos to the Nintendo effers for making said games the size of Wheat Thins cracker and just as flimsy.  I also love when I get "hey mommy remember that toy that I had in my hand last week, ya I'm gonna need that?"  and when I ask what toy and they look at me like I'm the crazy one.

How does a boy lose a prize possession like his blankie?  Seth is on Blankie number 2 it is just shreds of fabric knotted together he has had surgery many times in his 9 years.  Brady is on Blankie number 3 original Blankie was a white fabric with blue Winnie the Pooh drawings on it, he lost 2 of those and we could never find the fabric again, he now has one with ducks made its flannel and has held up pretty good for the past few years. 

Our house should be known as the land of the lost you can put something down and then 2 minutes later its GONE!  Could it be because one of my kid tornadoes just ran through the room, or does my house actually have a black hole?   

You spin me right round!

Something wicked awesome happened that turned my world upside down.  I got my surgery date!  Can you believe it?
'cause I sure can't.  I booked my flight and we found a place for Jer to stay that's close to the hospital.  I'm going to want him near me so he can like rub my feet and stuff, read to me, fluff my pillow and basically just do whatever I want. 

I know I've been MIA for a few days, but with all this going on plus working every day has left my head spinning, my days filled with errands and multiple phone calls , all in all its been a whole lot of not awesome. 

 I've also been spending a lot of time at the Bariatric Clinic lately because of all of this too.  I shared the information about my favorite blogger Eggface.  They loved her just as much as I do.  Sarah, a dietitian that I just met at my orientation to surgery and I had an impromptu meeting and showed off my pretty Bento Box.  I knocked her socks off with all my ideas.  I kinda think she has a little bit of a girl crush on me, I just know we are going to be besties.

Tainted Love

This journey has been an up and down ride for me.  I have worked hard to give up pop, caffeine, gum and other more disgustalicious things.  There are certain things that I am really looking forward to and certain things that I am glad to get away from.  I don't think of giving these things up as a punishment by any means.   I am on a quest for health, a quest to change my life in ways I can't to on my own, if it means giving up a cheeseburger for an extra 20+ years with my family......fuck ya, I'm going to give it up.  I am not perfect, I have a plan and I hope that with my family's support I can really do this.

You know what's even more disgusting than the Fillet-O-fish from McDonald's, the DOUBLE Fillet-O-Fish!  530 calories, 26 grams of fat, 5 grams of sugar (that's just over a tsp!) and 910 mgs of sodium so gross.  There's a Big Mac, a Double Big Mac and a Mega Mac (the Mega is Europe's double, I had you worried there for a minute didn't I). 

OMG I totally forgot about the Double Down from KFC.  When I heard about if from my husband I though for sure he was making shit up.  He usually will say messed up stuff to make me laugh.  The Double Down calls itself a sandwich and yet it's not for the faint at heart because instead of bread this M-effer has 2 breaded chicken breasts, bacon, 2 types of cheese and special sauce.  It claims to only have 520 calories, 32 grams of fat, and 1380 mgs of sodium, but I think they're lying.

These are a few of the things that I am happy to give up, I haven't tried any of the above items and never planned on it either.  But, regardless leaving a fast food nation behind me for more years with my hubby......priceless.

Some of the things I am looking forward to are the recipes on Michelle"s "Shelly"'s blog http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/ after seeing her blog, I knew I could be a post surgery success.  That McDonald's, Wendy's and junk foods (most of which, make me feel sick after I eat them anyway), are a part of my past.  My family can only do so much for me, there comes the time when you need to hear it from the horses mouth.  Shelly is 4 1/2 years post op and still maintaining her healthy life style, that is the kind of influence I need.  I loved her ideas so much that I ordered a bento lunch box (the black and fuchsia one of course) http://www.laptoplunches.com/ so that once I am home from surgery I can start making beautiful lunches/suppers like hers. 

It's a good thing that one cannot drink alcohol during this process, because after reading this last post you might think I have Fatal Attraction crush on the Egg Face Lady.  I DO tend to get a little handsy when I've had the alcohol, but this thing I have going on for egg face is strictly on blog-fessional basis!

Bullseye!

March break madness has left us with little to do, so we went sledding again.  Big mistake on a warmish afternoon, the snow was glistening for a reason, it was water-logged!    I could see that their snow suits looked all shiny and where much darker than when we arrived.  Yup, the boys where soaked to their gotch, they didn't care, they're boys.  Seth once told me that he wanted to live on a island and teach monkeys to massage him.  When I told him monkeys are dirty he said "I'm  just as dirty as the monkeys so it didn't matter, yo!"    My son's inner rapmaster comes out when he's trying to be funny.

So, we get home and I make them both strip out of their drenched clothes right at the door.  Of course Seth had a surprise twosy, so he went straight to the can.  He uses his toilet time as a much needed escape from his younger brother.  On most days I can hear him playing and talking to himself the entire time he's in there.  Dude walks out of the bathroom strutting nothing but his birthday suit, a smile and a bullseye on his ass!  "Ummmm Seth did you wipe? Like even a little bit, 'cause you've got poop stuck to your butt!"  "Ahhhh Mom, why do I have to be perfect at butt wiping?  Why can't I just put pants on, geez yo!"  "Yo, Dude, go wipe again!"  My pissed off boy comes out for the second time with his little weenis flipping while he storms off to his room.  Are boys really easier than girls 'cause someday I really don't think so!? 

King of the castle

Mr. Stephen King is one effed up individual.  I often wonder what goes on in a mind like his.  He writes some of the most amazing/horrific books and movies of all time. 

Have you seen the trailer for that new movie Super 8?  (not a Stephen King movie, but was the essence of my post.) It looks right messed up!

Mr. King is the one that made us all afraid of clowns because of the movie It. 

Carrie made us scared of getting your period at school,  going to prom and bullying. High school is scary enough without a King twist to it. 

Cujo made us all afraid of big dogs.  Christine made us afraid of cars and the dorks who restore them. 
Mr. King also made some feel good movies like Pet Cemetery, Stand by Me, The Shawshank Redemption and Firestarter.

  

The Green Mile was one of my favorites it wasn't so scary or disturbing as his other films/books.  I remember being in the theater, it was so quiet except for this one woman that was 2 rows back doing the ugly cry.  I was crying too, but this woman was doing the boo hoo out loud cry and didn't care who heard her.  I watched it a second time after staying up all night and cried like a little baby and then blamed Jeremy for "letting" me do it because I am not high maintenance at all.

  

The Shining gave us yet one more reason to be afraid of that one hotel in the middle of the woods.  I mean who in their right mind thinks to themselves hmmmmm, what's a good business plan?  Yes, lets build here, miles away from civilization on the road to nowhere, yes this is the perfect place.  Jack Nicholson has always creeped me and so has The Tonight Show for that matter.

I wouldn't want to get caught in a blizzard, roll my car, and be taken to a cabin in the woods by an obsessed fan after watching Misery.

I can't drive past a corn field without wondering if those little kids are in there, I'm sure they're in there somewhere!

Another effed up individual is that M. Night Shyamalan don't even get me started on his movies!

Big break

It's spring break and finding wicked awesome things for the kids to do EVERY day for 9 days has been challenging.  I am creative, but not 9 days in a row creative.  My budget needs a gastric bypass too, I am not made of money like my boys seem to think I am.  I am running out of ideas we have gone sledding, played mini putt, gone to a video arcade, gone out for lunch, played at McPlayland, went to Chapters, got their faces painted, bought new rain boots, visited Grandpa in the hospital (almost everyday)  and its only  Tuesday!  I am so glad to be going to work on Thursday and then it's Jeremy's turn for finding  their entertainment.

Tele-not-ference!

So today was supposed to be the day.  I was supposed to find out when I was going for my surgery.  I am so disappointed.  I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do.  I went to the clinic today and met Dr. Hong via teleconference.   He seems pretty doctoriffic and I'm pretty confident he can surgerize my tummers into a raisin with his skilled hands.

I convinced my Jerry Bear that it would be in his best interest to stay home (meaning it would be business time) and do some maintaining tonight.  I'm kinda bummed, I was really looking forward to drinking that Opitfast paste because that would mean surgery is only 2 weeks away.

Eternity

My Hubby took me to the movies tonight and it started out great until Movie Douche and his date sat in front of us.  He was clearly trying to impress her and by the smell of her she was doing the same.  She took a perfume shower in Eternity by Calvin Klein the one scent that  you should always abide by the squirt and walk through method for application.

  This smell has actually made me tango with the toilet once, I was at a meeting and this chick must have gotten an Eternity Set for her birthday, the one with the lotion, body wash, shampoo, hairspray, laundry soap, AND aux de toilette.  She had so much on the whole room was one big perfume cloud.   

I buried my head in the bag of pop corn I had in front of me to mask the aroma from the chick in front of me.

So back to douche bag and his date, he was all like "these seats suck, why can't they make anything right in this city blah blah blah I'm a douche!"  Then he noticed one of his friends had come in and sat 3 rows ahead of him and was all "Heeeeey Bruno, it's me Tony"  totally cock blocked his friend and himself. 

So, most people know that there are certain rules at the movie theatre right?  Like Number 1, once the lights go down, your basically sitting in the front row.  None of this "Hey you, you there is that seat taken?  Can you 2 scootch over?  Did they scootch? I don't think they scootched? "   Ya bitch we scootched do you want some of my popcorn too?  Ummmm lady, your friend isn't coming, we have all stood up so you could get by and now he's leaving.  "He has to make a bowel movement, he'll be right back".  Oh so I guess he will be sitting beside me then great, thanks. 

Number 2, if you're in a couple or with the person beside you,  you 2 SHARE an

armrest and the other one is just there for show (the one between you and me).  So after the dude comes back from going potty he puts his arm on my chub, for the whole fricken movie.  I don't even let Jer touch my chub, he cant even touch it when it's "business time" and this guy OMG, he kept digging into his pockets on my side of the arm rest.  I'm a big girl, I have the chub, I take up the entire movie theatre chair, so don't touch me! 

Number 3, unless you are in a children's movie, I'm only going to get up once for you if its to go to the washroom, to make me scootch over so you can be a rule breaker, and if you're going to leave, you do it during the credits not with 40 minutes left! 

  

 

So this other chick and her daughter came late too and she was all like a stewardess in the row ahead of us.  She was so ballsy, she didn't even make the people stand she just walked right in front of them  "are those seats free? you two move over, honey over here (pointing and motioning) here sweetie I found us a spot (again pointing downward to the chairs) right here!"  She totally made douche bag and his girlfriend move over, they got pissed half way through the movie and moved to the front of the theatre.  The dude beside me left early too which I find crazy

 weird, why would you spend good money on a movie night, cause such a scene to get a seat, and then leave half way through.  The movie did have to do with God, maybe Dude didn't believe in God and was offended that there wasn't a warning of religious content in the movie trailer, it also had to do with water and boats.  Maybe, Dude doesn't believe in boats either, I dunno?  People are weird.

Cast Away

  

  

I am sitting here boo hoo crying because Tom Hanks just lost his best friend Wilson the ball.  Even the big whale knew how important Wilson was.  4 years on that island and all the man wanted was to come home to the love of his life and what does she do?  She marries Big from Sex and the City what a kick in the nuts!  I mean really, dude survives a plane crash, 4 years on an island, then going across the ocean on a raft and you couldn't wait for him even though, you "knew he was still alive".  I would have waited at least 10 years for my Jerry Bear if I thought he was still alive.  You are such a bitch Kelly/Helen Hunt, I mean what does someone have to do to get your attention. 

I know my Jerry Bear would have made it across an ocean to come back to me.  I fricken broke my heart when he dropped the oars it was like he was giving up.  And then when the whale saved him ahhh I just loved that part, it made is seem like the whale was with him the whole time. 

Movies are awesome!  I hope that me and Jer get to go to a movie this weekend because my appointment to meet the surgeon is on MONDAY!!!!  I really hope he tells me to start the liquid diet and see him in 2 weeks!

Monsters in the closet.

So my son had a bad dream again, this time it was a monster trying to eat him.  So what does that mean, another sleepless night for Mama Bear.  I don't know what this monster was thinking because Brady is not good eating, he has hardly got any meat on his bones at all.   He is very bony, not great for cuddling, especially when he decides to dig an elbow into your ribs.  It really creeps me out to see him when he bends over, you can see every vertebrae in his back, so gross!

One time Brady was up in his bed and he started screaming at the top of his lungs "Bees, bees, bees!"  Jeremy and I looked at each other and were like did he just say bees?  Jer ran upstairs to calm him down he was hyperventilating, had snot coming out of his nose, it was the real deal he was scared.  "Daddy there are bees on the ceiling",  "Brady, I don't see any bees, maybe it was just a house fly?"  "*sniff* well how come I saw YELLOW and BLACK!"  One just can't argue with that logic he saw yellow AND black, it must have been a bee.

It's my party!

Tomorrow is my Birthday, I'm turning 29 for the for the 5th time I think?  Who really keeps track of these things anyway?  I am such a lucky girl that I get a 2 day birthday event, today my hubby planned a family/friend party and tomorrow I get to go out for dinner with my three favorite men!

My little niece and nephew were over, OMG they are cute.  My neph has an obsessive toy story disorder, it's mad cute he thinks he is Buzz Lightyear.  He has a "running button" on his chest and when you touch him he wiggles his way up and down the hall.  I love that kid.  He likes to be topless so I'd like to call him neph it rhymes with Heff, Hugh Heffner but that's just wrong on so many levels.  My niece on the other hand, she is one of those pretty girls, but she can hold her own with the big boys.  She made me proud when the boys did something to make her cry and then she wiped away her tears and went right back to playing.  That's my girl.

I had asked for gift cards so that I can buy clothes after I go for surgery.  I am very excited to shop in the regular sizes at any store.  I haven't been able to do that since like pre-school.

Retail Therapy

My crapmobile broke and not just a "Honey there's a light on" or "the car has that funny smell again" it was bad, I can't steer anymore bad.  Its making a grinding noise and its not that screaming noise that the locks make every time we open the door.

How do you choose a garage to take your car, At Speedy "you're a somebody", or do you go Midas and "trust the Midas touch"  am I getting my car fixed or molested? or there's always "Uh-oh better get Maaco"!   

So I am at the garage and the garagetender had a husky voice and smelled like cigarettes and he looked liked he belonged at a Nascar race, all he was missing was one of those beer hats.  Garagetender said he would put his best guy on it and a few minutes later this guy wearing a lab coat runs out to my loser cruiser.  He must be important if he has a lab coat on right?  So the car doctor guy comes out and says that it's gonna cost me a lot of money to fix the car and do I want to fix it?  Yes, yes I would like my car fixed, it isn't a microwave that I can just throw out and buy a new one at Walmart.  I'm sitting in the waiting room watching the car doctor guy work on my car like a TV show, it smells really bad in there like burned coffee, dirt and B.O. it's funny how all garages have that same smell.

Usually a little retail therapy makes me feel better, but I've spent all this money and you'd think, you'd think my van would be shinier, or have something pink added to it, or even be bedazzled but no, nope its just my same old regular van.   I love shopping even if its just for groceries, when you find something new and you get that can't wait to try it feeling.  AWESOME!

The skinny

I am what you would call working poor, so I shop at The Walmart.  I don't need brand name clothes and neither do my kids they can be dorks, I'm cool with it.  I was a dork in school, I turned out ok-ish, my hubby was a dork too, nerds make the best lovers so it's ok. 

Off topic again, sorry, so I was at Walmart recently and was browsing through the clothes.  I am not really sure why because I have been telling myself that I am not going to buy anymore clothes until after surgery.  I have even purged my wardrobe and have been living like a minimalist.  So I saw that they making skinny jeans for the fat chicks.  Like really, isn't that like an oxymoron or something?  Maybe just a regular moron thought that skinny jeans on a fat chick was a good idea.  Again, the citizens of T.Bay would be facing another camel toe epidemic.

If I were to actually purchase the skinny jeans, to actually own them and to actually wear them I would be living with lie-arrhea!  Every time I squeezed my fat ass into those skinny jeans it would just be a lie. Truthfully skinny jeans made in the double digits are just a bold face lie to us all.