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Monday, February 28, 2011

She works hard for the money

I work in one of the busiest ER's in Canada, some days the
suck factor is a solid 10 and other days its like working at........ I guess it would be the equivalent to working at the theme park failure known to all as Euro Disney, so the suck factor of a day like that is about a 6.5. 

I work with some pretty awesome people and some unawesome people.  One can't help but have a favorite, every mother will say she loves each of her children equally to their face, but behind closed doors she has a true favorite.  I DO tend to be a bit of a mama bear to my favorite people, and I like to be a sunshine spreader at work, I'm also work wife to a bunch of dude's.  It's ok I can totally get away with it because I possess the chub and I'm married so it's all cool.

I have a super bad memory, so I'm a nicknameologist.  This one dude (I can't take credit for this nickname) we call him "The Situation", it's for several reasons the main reason is for the fact that dude wears his sisters scrub pants to work, did I mention she's in grade 9!  He looks like and has the IQ of reality TV star Michael Sorrentino.  Oh and he has a situation going on in his pants, its one of those car wreck deals not cool.  Another Dude we call him Rockstar and we have a Beiber in the department too.  I call one of the Resident Doctors 5-0 because one day last summer he showed up wearing Hawaiian swim shorts and a lab coat.  I call another one Nervous Doctor (behind his back) because when he was on The Vagina Squad (OB/GYN) he looked super scared walking into do an exam.  I pictured him with his hands all shaking trying to take swabs and samples from some poor girls lady parts.  I call one of the paramedics "puppy" because on his first day he looked so lost and he has super cute hair.  I call most of the doctors Captain because mostly because it's funny and because most of the time our ship is sinking.

I love this one girl, her name is Amanda, I'm not sure why I do because she makes fun of my art skills plus she treats my son like a dog making him do tricks for her on the phone.   Amanda is a beautiful girl with big cartoon eyes and a J-Lo butt.  She is a nursing student and I hope that one day she when she loses her training pants she will apply to work in my department.

I love it how some of the new people that come to the department especially brand new nurses think they can boss me around because they are nurses and I am "just a secretary".  Well, you know what sweetie, I have been "just a secretary" for 11 years, I wouldn't piss me off.  This one girl I won't mention her blond little name, she was probably one of those kids that were still on the boob in pre-school.  I wonder if it's her mom that made her sandwiches with the crusts cut off and  gives her a strawberry shortcake thermos full of Alphagetti.   (that was really mean, but I'm not sorry because this girl thinks she is something else and isn't very nice to me)

My Gay-BFF Michael has a crush on my big brother.  Last week my niece had the flu and had to come into see Auntie Jen at work.  She had her hair full of braids and looked like a mini Bo Derek.  Anyway I remembered about my GBFF having the crush so, I told him that little Bo was in the waiting room with his eye-candy.  I had to go back to my desk so I wouldn't get fired, about 3 minutes later Michael came by and said your niece is in room A6 and your brother is still hot!  I of course had to share this tid bit of information with my homophobic brother and his wife immediately.  I felt like it was Christmas morning and I had snuck a peek in my stocking.  My brother was squirming in his seat he wouldn't even let me finish my sentence.  I love to torment my brother.  Michael wants to know the moment my brothers marriage goes down the crapper.  My Michael wants to recruit him.

As much as I complain about my job, I really do love it, well most days anyway.  I may not fit in with the cool kids, but I don't really care, well most days anyway.  Everyone wants to fit in and sometimes I do feel that my chub is the reason I don't fit in.  I hope after having this surgery I will not only gain health I will gain confidence as well.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

whole Graine

Migraine that is.  I had such a bad migraine, my head hurt so bad that floors were screaming at me, like for no reason.  I was in so much pain that at one point I swore I could speak and understand Chinese among other tongues.  My regular remedy of Advil, Tylenol and Gravol wasn't helping, so I went to the hospital for the big guns. 

I got a ride to the hospital and was brought to a room pretty quickly, working in an ER sometimes has it's privileges.  The doctor that came in was one of the chic doc's that comes from out of town to work with us.  She can sometimes have a bit of a bitch infection, but who doesn't.  I was totally nice to her because she was the one with the drugs and I wanted the good ones. 

Gerry came in to do my IV he was a pretty good murse, he gave me the drugs too he tried to be funny and make small talk, but I was all about getting rid of the headache.  I may have been a bit cranky at that point, but a few minutes later, AHHH finally, I started to get some relief from this pounding in my head. 

A few minutes later a strange sensation came over me, I could hear all of the colours around me!  Don't be fooled by pastels, you'd think they are all happy and bright, but they are just pretending!  The pastels have a dark side they are the evil genius's of the colour palette and are trying to take over the world one wall at a time!  Damn these are good meds.  At one point I went deaf and could see words coming out of peoples mouths like word balloons,  it was way cool.  I got discharged shortly after my conversation with yellow and went home to bed.  I love my bed, although I will trade it in
for a Sleep Number bed any day.  One day, one day I will live! One day I will experience the bliss of my very own bedgasm in a Sleep Number Bed!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Mama's got a brand new bag

.........or at least I got a new date to meet the surgeon.  March fricken 14th!  Are you kidding me I wanted to be having my surgery then.  I've been studying and everything so I could be all ready on short notice.  I wanted my stomach to be the size of a grape by then so I could start eating baby food.  This process sucks for someone without patience like me. 

On a funner note my husband did some pre-spring maintenance due to the fact that I am sooooooo done with winter and because we sorta missed Valentine's Day.  I was working midnights on real Valentine's day so we didn't pull any rabbits out of our hats that night aka no magic happened.  So my wonderful Hubby wubby took me to a honeymoon suite for some maintenance.  We had so much fun, I had got to Lush and bought a bunch of bath bombs for the hot tub, I bought myself a new nightie.  We made the magic happen all over that hotel room!

Some kids were fooling around in the hallway they knocked on our door and took off, then came back to the scene of the crime!  stoopid kids, who does that?  Anyway I was looking through the peep hole at the door and when the came back just as they were going to knock on the door again, I pulled it open.  I scared the crap out of them, they looked like when Leonardo DiCaprio when he played that  re-taard in that movie, you know the one, Titanic I think that's the one.  Anyway I told them that they had the wrong room and slammed the door.  Jerry Bear had no clue what was going on, I almost peed myself I was laughing so hard.  I sounded like a wookie, hyperventilating and everything.  Then Jer went to get ice and told on them at the front desk.  I love telling, I know its childish and immature, but it feel so good to see a little piece of someone die inside when then get in trouble.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

We had a deal!!!

For  a few weeks now I have been protesting winter.  Not wearing mitts, I retired my parka, stuff like that.  It was all with great hopes that, that bitch would honour our deal.  I spoke quite nicely to Mother Nature asking her for an early spring.  Even the ground hogs were on my side Punxutawney Phil, Dunkirk Dave, and Shubenacadie Sam were little gofers and predicted an early spring. 

So why may you ask am I P.O'd at Mother Nature, well it's fricken snowing AGAIN!  And it's not just snowing like a little its a blizzard.  My loser cruiser (mini van) is covered in snow, I won't be able to wear my flip flops tomorrow, but I refuse, REFUSE to bring the parka back.  You may have won this time Mother Nature, but I've got my eye on you and I may not have been born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you but I'm gonna show you on a daily basis until this matter is cleared up.  You must be like one of those hard core vegetarians that hates themselves for being made of meat because clearly you suck at making spring happen.

My hometown weather forcast

Current: Snow Showers
Wind: N at 0 km/h
Humidity: 91%
Snow Showers
-2°C | -8°C

She'll be coming round the mountain.....

I did it!  Tubing was AWESOME!! The chair lift was not!  I was scared to death, dangling off the ground from this teeny tiny little hook.  From afar, the ski lift looks all safe, its not until you're on it that you realize holy shit!  "Ummmm Mr. Ski Lift Operator Boy, ummmm have you seen this thing?  Do you know that having someone with my ginormousness will do to this rig?  Have you seen how small that  is that hook thing is thats holding me up?  Mr. Ski Lift Boy, ummmm you see my chub right? Am I going to make your machine scream?"  "Ma'am, you need to get on now 6 chairs have gone by and there's people waiting!"

So me and my son get on and I have to pull the bar down, I make the the seat shake. OMG, I'm gonna fall!  "I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm not ok."........ I have a death grip on the bar and on my son, the little bugger keeps moving he's like a fricken mongoose!  Any little movement makes me hyperventilate, if I could see my knuckles through my gloves they would be white.  This is the longest ride ever!  The punk kids ahead of us are hopping around and making the rope move, and giving me a heart attack. 

Anyone that knows me knows that I don't have the hand eye coordination down pat.  I have to lift the bar up over my head, grab Brady and run, yes RUN off the chair lift.  Here we go...........

Now we get to go tubing!!!  We all go down the hill together in one big bundle of tubes.  I'm holing on to my boys hands and we keep going around and around and around in circles as we slide down the hill.  I am laughing so hard I feel like I'm gonna pee my pants!  OMG, I'm loosing Brady, he's slipping away, oh wait I can feel fingers I still have him.  We are going soooooooo fast!  My abs hurt from trying to keeping myself upright and laughing so hard.

I can't wait to go again, oh frick that means the chair lift again double frick!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Rocky Mountain High

My work has an employee social association, so tomorrow, Tuesday, they are having a skiing and tubing night.  I was never "allowed" on ski's as a child because I was an accident waiting to happen.  I have broken more bones than I can remember, just from doing regular kid stuff like walking, being at a school event, walking.  You can see why my parents would be worried about hurling myself down a mountain on a set of 2 by 4's.  

Now that I am a grown up, I have earned the right to decide all by myself, that sliding down mountain on an inner tube is an AWESOME IDEA!  I  have never been on a chair lift before, and to tell you the truth I am pretty scared, not of being on the chair lift itself, but it's more of the possibility  falling off of the chair that scares the crap out of me. 

How am I going to face my feardom?  I'm gonna jump on for dear life holding onto my ginormous tube,  oh and I will have a guest with me too!  It has already been decided that for the first run I will be with Brady.  My 4ft little squirrel will be sitting beside me, how wonderful. 
So not only do I have to keep  myself from falling, hold on to my tube, I will have Brady and his tube too.  He can't sit/be still even when he is asleep.  I don't know how I am going get him  to stay still during our ride up the mountain.  A chair lift is basically on a lawn chair on a string you do realize that right!  I hope it can support my weight, I hope it's lubed up so it sound like its screaming while I'm riding on it.  I hate making machines scream on account of my hugeness.  I've got my work cut out for me.  I'm nervous already........this can't end bad right?

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Meet the Doctors

I love my little Italian  Princess Anna.  When she wants something she get I was at work, after texting, calling me at home, and on my cell, she finally tracked me down at work due to her stalktastic skills..  She had some kick ass news for me......I have a teleconference appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday!  I did the ugly cry right at my desk, I didn't care I had the snot running out of my nose, mascara turds running down my face.  OMG in just a few days I will know when my surgery is!!!! FINALLY! 

Well Anna called me back about an hour later to burst my bubble.   The surgeon cannot do a teleconference on Tuesday, well actually the TBRHSC only has one machine that does the Telemedicine thingy and it was already booked.  Now it will be a week, maybe, possibly the next week.  Grrrrrrrr!

Now that I AM so close I feel like I need to like study and shit.  In Canada we don't do SAT's, but we do, do mid-terms and finals and those fuckers are hard!  I feel like that the surgeon is going to have a bunch of hard questions for me and if I don't know the answers then he will fail me for surgery.  I am going to have to do some studying.  OMG did you know that there is an actual book Weight loss Surgery for Dummies.......that's me!  I'm a dummy, I need that book!

Friday, February 18, 2011

If a tree falls........

If a tree falls in your back yard in the middle of the night at  ?o'clock in the morning, during a wind storm, in the middle of winter, does it make a sound?  Ummm no I didn't hear shit all I heard was my kid snoring beside me! 

I did however wake up in a panic at 5am wondering what the frick is going on?  Why is it so dark in here,  did my pillow knock out the alarm clock cord AGAIN, oh crap what time is it am I late for work, it's cold, son of a nutcracker its 62 degrees, why is it so fricken dark in here?  Do you think I could fall back to sleep again after that? Hells no!  I had a possum in my bed, it was cold and I'm afraid of being late for work.  And snakes I am really afraid of snakes too.

When I called "the people" about fixing my power, the on call dude was like " well I haven't had any other calls from your area, so the earliest I can get someone there is like 830" (this was when I woke up at 5am!)  Really, well I guess  that's that!  This was also before I knew that it was only our house that was affected.   So, I had myself a lovely lukewarm shower romantically lit by flashlight.  Good thing, it doesn't take much to make this girl look fabulous and the fact that I wear scrubs to work makes life extra easy.  Good thing I made my lunch the night before, otherwise it would have been cafeteria food day, gross.

 I was all ready for work and some stranger was making their way up to my door.  "Did you know that your tree fell down and knocked out a wire?"  This is totally new information!  I had no fucking clue!  I wanted to say that, but I was like " oh, thank you!  Sorry about that."  I was now worried about a live wire dangling from my house into the lane way.  Just my luck some dumb kid would lick their fingers and pick it up and then I'd get sued for shish-kabobing someones kid!  I can't afford to buy someone a new kid.

So, I called "the people" again and said that a tree had fallen and that there was a wire and how I was just pretty and didn't know anything about his "special" wires.  I also told him how "lots" of kids use the lane to walk to school.  Truthfully I was just making shit up so he would come and turn my power back on faster.  It worked!  I was at work when the magical moment happened Jer took care of business here at home for me.  I heart him! 

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Just a bordinary day

Nothing anywhere near awesome happened today.  I didn't meet a Jonas brother today.  I woke up with my plain ordinary shoulders today not fun Lady Gaga Grammy shoulders nor did I get carried around all day in an egg by people wearing latex.  I did not find out what is the "beyond" of Bed, Bath and Beyond. 

I couldn't get my Bumpit to work in my hair today so I had my regular flat hair how boring is that.  My Clapper broke, so I had to actually touch my lamp to turn it on and off today.  Glamor Shots was closed down today after a salmonella outbreak.  The feather boa's were tainted with the disease,  so this will not be the most glamours day of my life at least in pictures.  I have had glamorous moments in my life, I mean hello, have you seen me, I'm a little bit of fantastic in a big sexy package. 

I was so bored I started reading warning labels.  Learned a few things, pepper spray.......Caution: Never aim spray at own eyes, Hmmm good to know.  Heinz ketchup.......Instructions: Put on food.  Bar of Dial soap......use like regular soap. 

Justin Beiber's movie was sold out in 3D, so I totally didn't want to go because who wants to see the Beib's if not in 3D?

This was totally a joke btw I have no cougar crush on the Beiber, I don't even know how many brothers the Jonas have, I think Gaga has to be schizophrenic and I got the warning labels from 

ps. I do have a cougar crush on that wolf boy from Twilight (after his haircut), sorry Jerry Bear.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Crop Dust

Working midnights and eating Thai food has caused me to have a bit of a gut hangover.  I'm super fricken gassy today, I've been crop dusting all over the house tonight.  My son, Seth is a fart enthusiast, so it has been quite amusing to him for his mommy to be tooting her way around the house. 

I REALLY hope on my days off I can get my tummy back to normal, because  I have been such a poopasaurus lately. 

Music to my ears.

Bling!  My Blackberry went off, it was a message from Anna!  You remember her, she is the no nonsense sexatery that works at the Bariatric Clinic.  She sent me a text telling me that my chart was sent to Hamilton today!!  Her and I are like besties so it's not like I ASKED for the special treatment, truthfully I think she was sick of me calling her every other day, so she said she would text me when my chart went out.  AHHHH!  I could be going next month!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Attacked by a spider monkey

I'm gonna back track a bit, and complain a bit too, sorry.  I got home from work at midnight (Saturday night) hoping for an uneventful night since my Jerry Bear was off to work shorty after I got home.   I had a snack and did a face plant on my bed.   I had just drifted off into a coma when......  "MOMMY!, MOOOOOOMMMMYYY!, oh are you awake? I had a bad dream I can't sleep by myself."  Fantastic! now I get to sleep with a fricken spider monkey all night.  He flips and he flops and he snores just as loud as his dad. 

My Jerry Bear let me sleep in until I was supposed to take the boys out today.  We have another busy day ahead of us (a play date with my nephew, swimming, lunch) and I have to go in for a midnight shift.  The craptastrophe that is my sleep schedule is going to be the end of me.  And Damn Right he was going to let me sleep in!, especially since he sang his snore song to me all night the night before.  I LOVE HIM so much more on days like this!!  I hope my Jerry Bear has something nice planned for Valentine's Day.  I'm sure Jeremy is hoping for a sexathon, St. Valentine may have to wait a day or 2 until I get through my next few shifts. 

Saturday, February 12, 2011

But I didn't even go to Margaritaville?

Mama Bear feels hungover today even though I didn't even have any alcoholic bevies last night.  My voice is squeaky, my body hurts EVERYWHERE, and I can barely keep my head up.  It was a long night for a cougar like myself, I was up at 7am after sleeping with my octoboy all night (which means I got a craptastic sleep) had running around to do all day and after my night out I didn't get home and to bed until 4am!  I guess I am not as young as I used to be.  I am dragging my heels I feel like such a slug,  my feet feel like I have cement shoes.

I had to take my boys to a swimming birthday party, 20 screaming, soaking wet, sugar coated kids just what I need today. (at least I won't be there for when the sugar bomb crashes)  Oh AND I get to go to work right after the kiddie party, how fun for me.   I hope I can make it till midnight.  I hope my kids can sleep in their own bed tonight 'cause mommy needs some sleep tonight.

Little Men

My night out with the girls didn't go exactly as planned.  A split second moment ruined the entire night. (I'll get back to that in a minute) So, me and the twentysomethings were at one of the hottest spots in town having a great time, there were so many of us from work it was awesome.  I wore a cute t-shirt dress and high heels ( I usually can't wear heels because I tore my Achilles tendon awhile back) We were all dancing, hugging, drinking, at least they were drinking.  I didn't want to anger my liver so close to my potential surgery date, so I stayed sober all night.  I was still able to have fun even with out alcohol.

So the bar was totally crowded, and being a chubby girl, I need some extra room to move through the crowd.  So being the awesome individual that I am was trying to be all cute about it and excused myself by saying "Sorry, but I have the chubb, so I need some extra room."  Well this dork and his girlfriend decided to make fun of the fat chick.   Blond chick said, "oh he likes you"  I could tell they were young, so I just said " you didn't have to be rude." and went back to my party. (this wasn't IT btw)

More of our friends came in, so I went over to say hi.  Blond Chick and her Oompa Loompa boyfriend over at the bar ordering a drink and they were bumping into me and flicking my hair!  Like really, REALLY!  When I looked at them they laughed and turned around, I told them to Eff off.  I went back to my party for a minute and watched where they went to sit........something told me that I could not let this go.  

I composed myself and went up to him "If you ever put your hands on me again I'm going to pound you"  He lost his mind told me to "fuck off, to go fuck myself "  and so on, I don't remember those ommpa loompa being so aggressive.  I was so pissed off, that he was being so childish.  Especially since I had done nothing wrong, and I had been nothing but nice up  until that point.  I did make sure to let him know what I thought of his package. (it's a cocktail wiener for sure) 

Oh, and by the way when getting cut off while driving, instead of giving the middle finger make a hand gesture (using your thumb and index finger to show an inch or how ever generous you feel that day) to show how big you think his "unit" is,  I find that is WAY more effective than the finger any day!  I told the lovely couple that I hoped they would marry each other because they deserved each other.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Cougar Town

So tomorrow night I am going out with some of the girls from work for a birthday party.  It's not just any birthday party, it's my bestie's birthday, Dorothy.  You can call her Doe Doe, or Doeiest, whatev she likes them all.  So my Doe Doe is turning all of 25!  Do you know how that makes me feel?  Well for starters they fricken call me Mama Bear!  (not cool girls)  I  am a married 33 year old hanging out with the twentysomethings.   It makes me feel like such a cougar, especially when Doeiest sends me huting for boys.  She sees a cute boy that she likes and then I have to bring them to her. 

I act like I don't want to do it, but  It's like a game for me, I'll be like "ok, Boy, you and I are like besties and see that girl over there I'm gonna introduce you to her, but you have to play along like we know each other, K" .  It totally works every time, because boys are soooooo easy.  You  just have to quickly get their attention just like string to a cat and then you can basically get them to do anything.  And of course Dorothy plays along like she had NO IDEA any of this was going on.

It totally doesn't even embarrass me to talk to the young boys for her, because I know that I am fan-fricken-tastic and that if any of the little boys ever like "turned me down" or whatever, it wouldn't bother me because I know that I have someone amazing at home that loves me no mater what I look like.  And that I don't have enough time to waste on someone so meaningless.  It would totally be their loss btw.  I mean for reals.  I usually end up asking some random boys if I am too old to be at the bar, or if they think I'm a cougar.  I just think it's funny.